yeah i'd rather be with you.

So I can't really complain about my life right now because it's going pretty well. I got to go to Columbus for Halloween, so it was fantastic getting to see my best friend again; it had been way too long, that's for damn sure!! I got to meet her amazingly sweet boyfriend, and I must say that I approve. Jamie, Chris is perfect for you, and I'm so freaking happy for you both!! It was a strange, deja-vu-inducing, awkward, surreal and crazy visit, but I had a pretty awesome weekend with my best friend. (:

So this is my crazy weekend:
Tonight I'm going to the Augusta Children's Chorale's annual desserts concert, which is pretty awesome every single year since there are TONS of delectable desserts to sink your teeth into after an hour of lovely music. I hear the Chorale is singing a bunch of stuff this year that I sang when I was in it, so I hope that Linda will let the alums come up and sing with them on those songs. That would be really cool (:

Friday I FINALLY START WITH STILA COSMETICS!! Chuck is coming down from Atlanta to train me, so I'll probably be at Sephora all day (but hey, it's heaven on Earth, so I'm not the least bit upset about that!!). Charles can't come in to train that day, but I know Chuck is going to teach me a lot of cool stuff. I'm supposed to be keeping a look out for a really sweet box from Charles with all kinds of Stila tools (i.e. a full brush set, enough cosmetics to do my own makeup every day, and maybe some of the freelance tools I'll need? YAY!) and I'm just over the moon about it all. I'm achieving one of my big dreams of becoming a freelance makeup artist, and I'm excited to see where it's going to take me!

Saturday my Daddy is taking me to see IN THE HEIGHTS!! We're supposed to go to lunch with Jamie (YAYAYAYYAYAYA!) before the show, which is going to be awesome. I'm so excited to see this show because I really love how rich it is in its cultural influences, plus Lin Manuel Miranda is a god. for real. (:

YAY! Life is good (:

gladly i'll do your bidding.

Is it just me or is everyone pairing off? Well that sucks. :/

Got advised last week and Leza helped me figure out when I'm gonna take all the rest of my classes . . . wow. I'm kinda scared. I've got 2 yrs ahead of me. . . guess I'm on the 5 year plan. It's good to know that the light is starting to appear at the end of this tunnel.

I start training with Charles next week and I'm really excited about it. I'm really hoping that this opportunity takes off for me because I'd love NOTHING MORE than to work in the cosmetics field for the rest of my days. :)

This weekend is going to be awesome :)

I want to take a bubble bath. I need to get ready for class instead. oh well. :)

Happy day.

a numb nightmare.

home alone
house is quiet
sunlight is pouring through the blinds and through the big window over our foyer.
i'm all by myself; not sure where the cats are. i'm sure they're curled up asleep.
how do i feel?
sinking. sprawling. hopeless. lost. numb. guilty. done.
yep. i feel done.
i stand at the top of the stairs. i can see the hardwood floors downstairs gleam in the sunlight.
a car drives past the house. i don't even flinch.
i stare straight down. i close my eyes and don't think twice.
i hurl myself forward, head-first down the stairs.
i can't even feel it. it's as if i watched it happen from the bottom of the stairs.
my head hits everything the hardest.
i land at the foot of the stairs and look up at the top. i know i'm instantly starting to bruise, but i don't care.
i climb back up the stairs, struggle to stand, and throw myself down the stairs again.
and again.
and again.
so many times that i'm certain that the next would kill me.
but they don't. and i grow angry.
i stumble through the living room & kitchen out to the garage.
i let the garage door up and a blinding light floods in.
my head feels heavy, i can barely see. i can feel bruises starting to swell up.
but i'm not in pain. i can't feel anything.
i eye the brick that lines the side of the garage door. my fingers touch the rough edges of each brick.
some of the cement crumbles off and hits the bushes.
in an inexplicable impulse, i throw my arm against the brick, slamming skin, nerves, blood vessels and bone against cement.
then my arm drags down the side of the brick wall back against my body.
i'm bleeding. a voice that isn't my own speaks: "yes finally some blood"
my other arm slams into the wall and i drag it against the bricks.
but that voice that isn't my own wants more blood. i just want this to end.
i should be scared, but i'm so numb i don't really care.
i walk back in the house and the garage door roars shut behind me.
after throwing myself down the stairs a few more times i finally fall unconscious just as i hear the key turn in the front door.


I don't know why I keep having such disturbing dreams, but I really wish they would stop.

Of this I am sure.

Of some things I am absolutely sure:

I cannot stand chick-flicks.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button made me cry, and therefore I will NEVER watch it again.
I like affection.
I cannot stand President Obama.
I love cosmetics more than most people love their first born child.
I am a cat person, and I hate large dogs. They are slobbery and GROSS.
I cannot wait to turn 21 in 4 months.
I get anxious when a guy calls me on the phone.
I am highly masochistic when I'm alone, and I HATE it when other people see that side of me.
I keep having very strange dreams that involve the suicides of close friends. I don't understand these dreams at all, and for the first time last night I had one of myself where I repeatedly tried throwing myself down the stairs before hanging myself. Needless to say I'm still kinda disturbed by it.
I will probably be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life.
I am pretty, but I'll never be hot.
I've hit this cycle right now where some days I don't want a boyfriend, other days I PRETEND I don't want a boyfriend, and the rest of the time I want one so badly it hurts. I need to just make up my mind that I DON'T need a guy to make me happy, even though having one that is over the moon for me makes me incredibly ecstatic.
Blogging is a good release, but I fear about the public aspect of it.
I adore Katy Perry and her independent streak.
Hoegaarten is an awesome beer.
I want a sketchbook.
I'm ready to graduate college and move away from Augusta.
I'm ready to meet the most amazing guy who will sweep me off my feet.
I'm ready to start making money.
I'm a cat person who is allergic to cats.
I want to be in love.

it's all so shiny and new

So I have to mention two very exciting things that I have yet to mention in this blog:

1: I'm doing the 1940s makeup/wigs for a documentary to be aired on PBS. This job will be a two-day gig and I'm kind of excited about it.

and (DRUMROLL PLEASE):

2: I GOT A JOB WITH STILA COSMETICS. :D

I should elaborate on the Stila thing:
So one day I was perusing Sephora (like I usually do) and I came upon the Stila gondola. There was a guy I'd never seen in Sephora before at the station, and he started showing me some of the products. We ended up getting into a great conversation, and it came out that I have 4 year of retail cosmetics experience, and that I'd also been freelancing my skills via word-of-mouth in the area, and he seemed very interested. This man gave me his card and asked me to email him about a job opportunity to moonlight for the brand.

Last Saturday I had an audition/interview with Charles (aforementioned Stila guy) at Sephora. He threw me right into the thick of it all and allowed me to do a full makeover on a client in the Sephora store. He also observed me around other customers, asked the other cast members of Sephora about me (they all adore me, and I them), and then we went to have a chat. Charles offered me the job right then and there, and I have graciously accepted.

Basically, I am an independent brand rep for Stila. I will go into our local Sephora and represent the brand for 10 hours each month and focus soley on showing off the Stila brand to all clients that enter the store. I may also get the opportunity later on to train Sephora cast on different Stila products (especially new ones) and coach individual cast members on the products. There are so many things that go into this job that I am not/cannot tell, but just know I'm super excited about it!! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to jump-start my cosmetics career, and I feel like I'm going in the direction I want to be going in. I adore my boss, I adore my trainer/buddy Chuck, and I adore the cosmetics line. I can't wait to start!! :)

Hiding from the Holidays

unlock the door and it rings the bell
this morning came alive and well
clock right in to start my day
i'm just hoping that inside i'll be okay

'cause on my least favorite day of the year
"i love you" is the last thing that i wanna hear

New Years Eve & Valentine's
come and go with no love of mine
every year it's always the same
but why should i look for the blame?
working hard, not hardly working
so i don't waste my time looking
watching lovers, I'd feel alone
wishing i had one to call me on the phone
why should I waste my time?
I'll just work and pretend I'm fine.

a brand new year is almost here
a chance to start off right & in the clear
most spend this day with their lovers
and once again the romance hovers
it's suffocating and i can't breathe
and sometimes i wish i could just leave
so instead of actively hating
all those couples who are dating
i throw myself right into working
so i don't spend that time hurting

i try to act like it doesn't hurt so bad
flip my hair, flash a smile so i don't look sad
but deep inside i cannot help but wonder
if there's a guy out there who'll "always be my thunder"

From the one who wished she hadn't gotten away.

A year ago today you dumped me.

Cory rode with me over to IHOP in my '01 blue PT Cruiser, which I don't have anymore. It was chilly out, but not too cold. It was pretty comfortable actually. It was starting to get dark, and it was actually at the time of this post. We went inside and got a huge table for everyone like we usually did since everyone else was coming from Bat Boy's Sat night show. Cory and I sat down to wait while everyone else floated in for dinner.
I still had this nagging feeling inside from the conversation we'd had earlier in the day. You'd gotten upset because my dad made some comment on his Facebook you didn't like. You told me you never wanted to meet my dad. You told me you hated him and you didn't even know him. I decided to call you, so I wrapped my sweater around me, grabbed my purse, told Cory & everyone to save me a seat & that I'd join them in a few, and stepped outside.

I hit the '6' key--your speed dial key--and hit send. The phone rang a few times and you picked up. Our conversation started out okay with the usual, "how are you?", "what are you up to?", etc. Then we started talking about the earlier phone call. Tears brimmed the edges of my eyes; I knew you weren't going to change your mind about what you'd said earlier. I got really frustrated and said:
"Maybe I don't need to come visit you this weekend if you're going to be angry about this."
And after a pause, you said:
"I guess not."
What I said next felt like it came from another person. It felt like it came from you. Tears fell down my face and it got harder to swallow. I didn't think that I would regret saying this:

"Well maybe we just don't need to be together."

I seriously thought you would react differently. I waited with bated breath as tears raced down my face and crashed onto my jeans. I thought you'd say that I was being ridiculous, that you loved me, or something, ANYTHING but what came after a long pause:

"I guess not."

The levy broke. After a few deep sobs I hung up. I won't talk about what happened next because it was all too painful, and it hurts to recall. But a year ago today, you left me. You left me on a bench outside of the IHOP on Airport Thruway in Columbus GA somewhere between 10:30 and 11:45 PM a year ago today.

And somehow I'm still missing you. I miss your smiles, your laughs, your affection. I miss your love. I miss what we had, even if it didn't last for very long at all. I think I still miss you because I feel like you're the only one who loved me because you wanted to, and because I was me. I want that so badly and today of all days, I'm so afraid I'll never find that again. I pray every day that G-d will bring me someone who could love me like you did; I hope that he will.