examine your options.

I decorated my Christmas tree! No lights, but it's really cute! (:

So this is how my nights have been so far:
I get in bed in sweatpants & a sweatshirt. I will watch an episode of Gossip Girl (some nights) with Marble, who follows me up the stairs and into my bedroom. He watches TV with me a lot; in fact the other night we watched the end of the Saints v. Patriots game, and he was GLUED to the television the whole time. He's so goofy! It's nice.

I'm trying to be as NOT stressed out as possible over my exams this week. I'm hoping that I can knock them all out on Monday and then have the rest of the week/break off; I'm still trying to decide if I want to do it or not. I think I'd be happier with myself if I did. (:

So yeah. I want a tattoo so badly. I wanna get a tiny one for my 21st birthday (:

CUT ME BUT I'M NOT BLEEDING. (:

You know what? After spending a day at the mall working in Sephora, I think I'm officially ready to welcome in the holiday season. I tell you what though: I think that the week leading up to Thanksgiving is ALWAYS hard for me because people try to rush it and jump straight on to Christmas and that is just RIDICULOUS! I don't wanna listen to Christmas music until Thanksgiving day, or Black Friday. I guess I just get a little miffed when people are all "OOH CHRISTMAS" when Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet.

Also a revelation I had while I was working today: I might actually want to have a baby one day. Some day if I ever fall in love with someone and give my heart to him and if we get married, I might actually be willing to consider having a baby. Babies are so beautiful and so wonderful in their own respect, and the hard times aren't the hardest times you'll have in your life (i.e. the crying, the pooping, the long nights, etc). I'm just saying that if I fall in love and marry someone, I won't rule it out as a possibility.

I'm becoming more OK with being single; I have some really good days where I'm totally okay with it (and actually prefer it), and some days are really really hard for me. A wise friend recently told me, "Ex boyfriends are like cavities: the only real way to get rid of one is to rip the tooth out completely. You can fill the cavity, but fillings fall out--they aren't a permanent solution." That really hit me hard. If I don't rip the "Daniel" tooth out, I'll keep crying over him, reaching out to him, missing him, etc. Every time I think that I'm over him, he sucks me back in and I fall faster and harder than ever. I just need to remind myself of how awesome I am and that if he really does care like he claims to, he'd be a little more sacrificial. I understand the need to finish school and save money--I'm in the same boat--but there are just some things that a guy who loves you would do that he doesn't do. I've got to respect myself and move on, and I think I'm prepared to do that. FINALLY. <3

I miss my Jahmah Lahn! <3

I need so much makeup right now from Stila that it's unreal. blehh this is going to be quite an order. hmph. I'll make it work. I'm really loving this job; it's a dream come true, really. I get to do what I love to do for PAY, and it's amazing. I had these two women today who came by complaining of dark circles under their eyes; with two simple products I not only made those circles almost invisible, but I improved their self esteem. I saw that look on each woman's face as they looked in the mirror and admired their newly-perfected faces, and their praise and gratitude was abundant and sweet. I really enjoyed working today, and I hope that I continue to have other great days like I had today. (:

I love doodling. It's an amazing release. I think it'd be cool to doodle something and get it tattooed on me somewhere. Perhaps some day I will get it in a place where I can easily hide it. (:

My Thanksgiving was amazing, by the way. I ate plenty of food, but I also reflected on the past year. It's been a great one: full of amazingly awesome times and superbly shitty ones too. All in all though, I couldn't have asked for a better set of friends & family to get me through. I love you all <3

i wish that you knew when i said "two sugars" actually i meant "three"

So I'm loving on Kate Nash so freakin' much that I think she's my sister from another mister. She is an impeccable songstress and I think I shall owe her my (unlikely) first-born child.

So I'm figuring out some things about myself that I kinda always knew, but they're becoming more apparent:

Large crowds really stress me out. Also: lots of people packed into a small area really upset me too. Case in point: Christmas Made in the South today (which I have nicknamed Hell on Earth, Southern Edition). I swear to G-D I wish people would learn how to browse with purpose; basically most of the day was spent trying to shop around large, lazy idiotic Southerners with ridiculously large *ahem* EMPTY baby strollers. Here's my issue, Augustans: why the HELL are you going to bring such LARGE strollers to this craft show if your children are going to NOT sit in them? Instead, I see aforementioned strollers laden with inexplicable amounts of CRAP that no child could conceivably ride in the strollers at this point. AND STROLLERS WERE MEANT TO CONTAIN YOUR WILD, RAMPANT CHILDREN, NOT TO SCHLEP ALL YOUR CRAP!

All I wanted to do was peruse the vendors purposefully and MOVE ON. What could have been accomplished in 2.5 hours took 4. I am thoroughly displeased with the child-rearing population of Augusta, and if they wish to keep their children alive and in one piece, they will do well to quiet their children and stay FAR AWAY from me. (yes, I will slice and dice a misbehaved heathen without hesitation)

LOL just kidding. How awesome would that be if I never saw another annoying, misbehaved child ever again? I might die with a normal blood pressure. (: Children are awful, and I don't want them EVER. I don't care how selfish that sounds either; I would NEVER bring a child into the world as it is today, nor would I sacrifice my body to another life-threatening being. I'd die of a panic attack before the thing ever popped out!

I've also noticed that when it's NOT the holiday season I often wish it was, but when the holiday season is upon us, I become so freakin' depressed that even Edgar Allan Poe would tell me to lighten up. I think that I want it to be the holidays because it makes everyone else somewhat happy, or that at least some great things are going on in the world. People become more one with their G-d, and people become more giving (even if they expect something in return, they are still giving). The holidays may make me absolutely miserable, but knowing that other people are enjoying themselves makes me feel less badly about being depressed.

Every time "All I Want For Christmas is You" comes on, I stop and pray that G-d will let me have Daniel for Christmas. I wish that I could be the reason he is in the world, and that we could be together again. I miss him dearly; he's the only person who really makes me feel as beautiful as I'm told I am. I adore him and I want to be with him someday again. <3

I MISS JAHMAH LAHN! <3

'cause breaking up is hard to do.

i guess what sucks the most
is that you make me really happy
and i make you really sad
and there is nothing i can do to fix it

i feel like it's my fault
and i don't know why
babe do you know why?
could you tell me why?

you say that my love for you
is just too much to take
but yet you don't want
to make my heart break again.

while i say that i don't have
the time to waste
i would always make the time
to spend with you in any case
but you say that you hit a wall
that never tumbled down
while i was always wearing a smile
you were constantly wearing a frown

baby i'm sorry
i wish i could fix you again
but stay together forever
but we just can't commit
so now we just split
and you left me to find another.
but i won't find another
i refuse to find another
to put before you

yeah i'm holding on
until a day when the snow melts clean
and the dew will sparkle and gleam
and inside i won't constantly scream for you
in hopes we'll be together again. <3

i'll tell you one thing: we're better together.

So yesterday in and of itself was absolutely amazing. I ended up driving to Atlanta to work in the Sephora at the Lenox Mall, and I had the most amazing day sales-wise and in personally. Got to introduce a lot of new people to the brand and helped a lot of women explore a new look. Also got to pop in on Urban Outfitters and SCORED some cute tops for super cheap! Discovered there was a LUSH stand inside Macy's too, so I got a super awesome face mask to try out. Met JAMIELYNN!, her amazing gentleman of a boyfriend and her sweet mama at Joe's Crab Shack for some amazing dinner, and then came back home.

Today I had my final day of Edgewood, the docudrama that I've been doing makeup and hair for. They drafted me at the last minute as an extra for one of the courtroom scenes and placed me right up front, so you might be able to see me in the finished film! It was great. (:

Hope this week goes smoothly . . . got a lab practical on Thursday. YIKES.

I'm getting some pretty difficult-to-hear, tough love from "Save Your Heart" by Mayday Parade right now.

Just try to get up
You gotta slowly brush off
I know that words aren't enough
But you're better than this

Save your heart
For someone that's worth dying for
Don't give it away
Torn apart
Never getting what you've been crying for
It's always the same
...
Save your heart
For someone who leaves you breathless
And I know that you're scared
Seems like someone said you had it in you
(Are you scared?)
All along, you said you knew this was wrong
But still worth dying for

thanks guys. i wish i had a best friend to sit with me right now and tell me that this is right, because it's really hard to hear when it hits you in the gut and it hurts you to the core because it's TRUE.

I've had a really hard time writing lately, so I've been doodling a lot instead. The one at the top of this post is one that I literally JUST did (I know it's backwards, but my computer didn't wanna flip it around. real lame, bartleby.) Sometimes it's just easier to form lines/squiggles/objects instead of phrases. I wish I knew what was holding me in; I think it's my fear of not being clever. I think if I sat and tried to just write exactly what I felt, it might be a LOT easier, and I could reconstruct it into something much more clever.

I'm just really struggling inside, despite everything amazing that's happening around me. It seems like whenever things are going amazingly, there is always something inside of me that eats me up and I suffer with it alone. While I know I have my best friends that I can tell, I feel this underlying paranoia that someone knows my business; I really don't understand that feeling.

I miss having my best friend here with me. It gets so lonely without you.

My pen flows.

the only time i talk about you
is when I make a Freudian slip
it sneaks up on the conversation
& my tongue can't stop itself from the trip

but i know there is a reason i say these things
and a reason why my heart skips a beat
when my phone sings your ring

oh damnit i miss you
though i hide it deep inside
i wish that i could hold you
but instead i run & hide
i wish that we'd be together again
but until i see some sacrifice
don't expect to hold my hand.

i remember the way you used to look at me
your eyes could see right through my soul
the way you'd hold me tight & kiss me
love took over and i lost control

you know i want to give you my heart
but if you broke it again i could never restart
but i fight and i'd fight for you
so don't keep pushing me away
because i'm trying to get through (let me stay)

give me your heart
sacrifice your selfish needs
show me that you really want this as much as me
you say you do; you say that you're after my heart again
but with reservations
how can you be so damn selfish and want me at the same time?
but stop teasing my heart from afar and i will be just fine. <3